PlunderMaxx Press Releases
PLUNDERMAXX CORPORATION
Cayman Islands
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
CONTACT: Eve L. Foxwell, Information Officer
February 2, 2010
Supreme Court dispenses with formality of elections
Plundermaxx applauds the recent Supreme Court ruling allowing corporations like us to simply appoint your leaders, rather than the previous system, where we had to create shell entities and launder money, send in complicated financial reports, and manufacture electronic voting systems with remote controls, in order to give you the impression that you had a say.
Plundermaxx Will Steele was pleased with the computer programming of five of the automotons. Said Steele, "Well done, my pretties. By cutting out the middleman: the voter, elections will be simpler and more efficient. And it frees up those with human personhood to watch more "Jersey Shore" on the first Tuesday of November in even years. I'm especially pleased with Robot Clone #4958247, a.k.a Justice Alito. It's no wonder he wants to bestow personhood on offshore bank accounts. He wouldn't know a real human if it punched him in the pasty-white metallic face. By the way, if any of you in the liberal media ever question corporate personhood, we'll get the Supreme Clones, um, I mean Court, to revoke human personhood. So consider yourself lucky, and go back to eating, breathing, sleeping, and whatever it is you humans do."
PLUNDERMAXX CORPORATION
Cayman Islands
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
CONTACT: Eve L. Foxwell, Information Officer
October 9, 2008
The $780 billion is being well spent
Plundermaxx Corporation
would like to thank Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson for his generous
gift to Plundermaxx of $780 billion minus a small commission (a.k.a. kick-back/future
salary commencing January of 2009 - Hank, we've got a nice corner office
waiting for ya). The Plundermaxx Board of Directors will spend these billions
wisely, as we know it comes off the backs of the hardworking American
taxpayer and future generations.
- - - - - -
Excerpted from
Plundermaxx strategy meeting notes regarding $780 billion bailout.
"First, we'll
throw ourselves a victory party, and maybe invite some of our friends
over at AIG. Then, we'll buy some new shower curtains. Those old ones
from the Enron-WorldCom days are so early-2000's. Finally, we'll
re-invest in Congress, since it is an investment- um, election year. That
should use up a few hundred million. What? Oh, there's still $779 billion
to go. Well, let's see, we could endow a few more conservative think tanks.
Give all of our employees at subsidiary Fox News a raise. Hmm, that still
leaves a lot of money. I dunno. Oh wait! We could keep the war in Iraq
going for a few more months! Maybe even fund the ever expanding military
budget (getting up towards $700 billion per year). Now, we're really starting
to make a dent. But hold on, that money is already appropriated by Congress
separately. Crap. Oh, I got it I got it!"
- - - - -
Press release follows:
"On the advice of our hedge fund managers, Plundermaxx is pleased to announce that much of the $780 billion will be invested in high-leverage derivatives that are a sure thing," announced Plundermaxx CEO Will Steele. "The rest will go to pay our hedge fund managers, since they are never wrong, and deserve all the pay they get. By the way, Hank, we may need a few more hundred billion, so feel free to wire that over when you get a chance. See you out on the golf course later today."
PLUNDERMAXX CORPORATION
Cayman Islands
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
CONTACT: Eve L. Foxwell, Information Officer
May 23, 2008
We want a piece of this green fad
Plundermaxx Corporation has expressed an interest in partnering with Cheat Neutral, a company that allows people to pay others who are faithful, so that they can cheat on their spouse. It is similar to the premise of carbon offsets, and Plundermaxx is very supportive of outsourcing virtue. The company continues to support voluntary, as opposed to mandatory, carbon controls. In the future we hope to privatize the judicial system and make all laws voluntary, since the invisible hand of the free-market is all we really need.
Plundermaxx's marketing
department also announces a recently developed new slogan for a campaign
that promotes feeling good about small insignificant actions that distract
people from large scale plundering and buy us a few more years of peak
oil over-consumption. The slogan is simply, "we", which
is short for
"we can feel good about ourselves without changing any of our plundering
habits."
Plundermaxx Corporation wishes Karl Rove the best as he pretends to respond to an upcoming Congressional subpoena.
PLUNDERMAXX CORPORATION
Cayman Islands
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
CONTACT: Eve L. Foxwell, Information Officer
August 13, 2007
Rove's New Job Offer Involves Plunder
PlunderMaxx Corporation extended an invitation to Karl Rove to visit corporate headquarters, where he may be offered a position as "Strategic Plunderer." "Mr. Rove's resume glitters like sludge oozing out of the Exxon Valdez, right after it struck a rock. Who wouldn't want a piece of that?" said Plundermaxx Human Resources Director Harriet Z. Mierz. "After Mr. Rove's 16 years of successful political plundering, there are few intact parts of the political world remaining. Where will he go next? Mr. Rove does have a special knack for turning a sadly losing proposition, a sure loser, a definite waste of time and space, something so ridiculous that most sane people could only consider it to be a pathetic joke...into a corrupted vision that horrifies the entire world. Among the benefits of working at Plundermaxx, Rove may be offered to out other CIA agents, or breech additional national security laws either just to see if he could get away with it again, or out of the usual Cheney-like partisan vindictiveness. The Plundermaxx hiring staff were very impressed with his past performance, and hope that he will seriously consider their offer.
PLUNDERMAXX CORPORATION
Cayman Islands
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
CONTACT: Eve L. Foxwell, Information Officer
November 2, 2006
Plundermaxx to Create Anti-Environmental "Earth Pope" Clone
The Plundermaxx Corporation stated in previous internal Financial Reporting documents that the "Earth Pope," also known as former Plundermaxx Senior Vice President of Global Development and Extreme Profit Generation Marley B. Wailing, had demanded compensation to all indigenous communities in the world who had been displaced or suffered degrading consequences and diminished quality of life where Plundermaxx had mined, clearcut and/or built chemical processing plants. "Hah!" cackled CEO Will Steele.
At first the Plundermaxx Board was saddened to see a corporate Senior Vice President say such crazy things. Either he was being blackmailed to say those things by his ex-wife who had incriminating photos of him at the Plundermaxx Corporate retreat in Vail Colorado, which is the typical explanation for such behavior, or, what the Board feared had happened, Mr. Wailing had been the victim of an Environmental Epiphany. He was placed on permanent leave of absence. Plundermaxx plans to clone Mr. Wailing from some ear wax cells we stole from him and placed in cold storage should such an Epiphany occur. The new Wailing Clone should be back on the job later this month. In the meantime, concerned investors should monitor the Earth Pope's Blog.
PLUNDERMAXX CORPORATION
Cayman Islands
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
CONTACT: Eve L. Foxwell, Information Officer
November 2, 2006
Plundermaxx Proud of Backroom Dealings
In 2006, the Plundermaxx Corporation continues its history of backroom dealings. This New York Times article provides details and photos of the white men, business professors, Goldman Sachs investment bankers, Big Four accountants, and corrupt government officials who accelerate the Plunder. Remember, investors are just dupes who were tricked into giving you their money. And they must pay for their gullibility. By buying you lots of expensive shower curtains and yachs. The Undersecretary of Finance in the Treasury Department who is trying to dismantle the Securities and Exchange Commission is a relative of Plundermaxx CEO Will Steele..
The qoute at the end of the article mentions "regulatory capture." Nice job New York Times, you've figured it out in late 2006? Next you'll probably report that President Teddy Roosevelt is concerned about JP Morgan. Oops, 100 years late on your reporting.
PLUNDERMAXX CORPORATION
Cayman Islands
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
CONTACT: Eve L. Foxwell, Information Officer
November 23, 2005
Plundermaxx Implements Fridays Torture Policy
The Plundermaxx Corporation has announced a new torture policy for its employees. Instead of Casual Fridays, where employees come to work in Dockers and khakis, Plundermaxx will encourage its employees to be tortured on Fridays. Maybe encourage isn't the right word. Use of Physical Force, inflicting violent pain and even death. Yeah that's better.
Plundermaxx, as the prime U.S. military contractor in Iraq, Afghanistan, and Guantanamo Bay, has carried out the Bush Administration's policy of torture and abuse overseas, also known as foreign policy or policy toward foreigners. Now, the Board of Directors feels it is time to bring this successful policy back to America. "We feel that torture will boost the morale and productivity of our workforce," said Plundermaxx CEO Will Steele. "Perhaps we may even get some useful intelligence out of them."
Plundermaxx had previously fabricated evidence of weapons of mass destruction in order to start a war in order to get large military contracts which eventually led to torture. "Some people think that torture is a political issue, like guns and abortion. However, here at Plundermaxx, we see torture as a means to an end. The means to YOUR (rear) end, with a stick," said spokesperson Fox d'Wirld. "You know you like it," winked Fox. Plundermaxx's Board of Directors are proud of the company's record of flagrant human rights abuses overseas and are concerned about the lack of abuse here in the US. "This policy seemed like the right thing to do," noted Steele.
The policy also provides high acheiving employees with the option of being tortured on other days besides Friday. Female employees are encouraged to dress and act like Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice on Torture Days. The human resources department is available to assist with torture trainings, including how to ensure that the Geneva Conventions are violated, and that the torture is detrimental to the image of the country as a whole. "We're not torturing just because we like to torture," said Steele. "Oh no, we're torturing to protect your freedom and democracy."
The new torture policy was announced on the day before Thanksgiving, as a hundred million turkeys are about to devoured by the carnivorously oblivious population that comprises the last remaining gastointestinal superpower- Fast Food Nation. Plundermaxx is proud to assist with this massacre with products including genetically engineering those turkeys out of test tubes, and both the Avian flu epidemic and its vaccine.
PLUNDERMAXX CORPORATION
Cayman Islands
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
CONTACT: Eve L. Foxwell, Information Officer
June 1, 2005
Plundermaxx Supports Sith Nominations
The Board of Directors of the Plundermaxx Corporation sent a letter to Satan last week congratulating The Evil Sith for receiving so many votes in the United States Senate recently. Numerous Sith had been nominated for several positions in the Bush Administration. The Senate is given the role of "advice and consent" on Presidential nominees, meaning theoretically that there is a check and/or balance among the three branches of government. "Hoo hoo hoo hah hah hah, that's a good one" remarked Plundermaxx CEO Will Steele.
The Senate also considered a "rule change" which would have allowed The Sith to rule, but later agreed to a "moderate compromise," which also allowed The Sith to rule. "Dismantling the democracy is strengthening the democracy," noted Senator Palpatine, to thunderous applause. Palpatine is considered a front-runner for declaring himself Emperor and dissolving Congress in 2008.
Plundermaxx is not concerned that a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, a small green fellow with large ears helped train a young Jedi who eventually overthrew the Empire. "We have policies in place to deal with that when it comes up," said CEO Steele. "We have a risk management department. Some of the former Anderson and Enron guys. They'll let us know if anything's out of place. Our outside auditors are real trustworthy too. Our Marketing Department, on the other hand, is just a bunch of renegade clones, you practically have to attack them to get any creative ideas out of that department."
PLUNDERMAXX CORPORATION
Cayman Islands
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
CONTACT: Eve L. Foxwell, Information Officer
December 12, 2004
59 Million Voters Nominated for 2004 Person of the Year
Plundermaxx CEO William Steele today announced the corporation's nomination of 59 Million American Voters for Person of the Year, Time Magazine's coveted honor.
Said Steele, "These voters took time out of their busy schedules to go to the voting booth on November 2nd, and check the box labelled "Plunder." They could have stayed home, and watched Fox News. They could have gone hunting and shot and killed an endangered species. They could have taken the Hummer out for a drive, maybe stopped by Walmart and bought some stuff made in a sweatshop. But no, they saw the opportunity to maximize Plunder across all aspects of American society for the next 4 years, and they seized that opportunity, and beat it to death like a prisoner at AbuGhraib prison. I think that deserves an award. Thank you, 59 Million, we couldn't Plunder nearly as effectively without your support."
PlunderMaxx's Nominating Committee said they had a hard time narrowing down the field this year. "There was so much Plunder in 2004, we didn't know where to start," remarked Steele. Other finalists included: Interior Secretary Gale Norton, author Michael Crichton who recently agreed with Exxon Mobil that climate change is a lie, Karl Rove the modern Machiavelli, the Red States, Ohio and/or it's black box voting machines, election supervisor and Secretary of State, and several of Plundermaxx's own Board of Directors. "But we realized that almost all the nominees belong to the distinguished group known as the 59 million Plundervoters. With that, they got the nod," Steele beamed. There is of course some question as to how many of the 59 million actually realized they voted for Plunder. Some of them may have thought they were voting for something else, such as "moral values" or "homophobia." "This ability to be misled and lied to is what gives those voters such charm. The point is, their ignorance is their responsibility, and now that they've voted for us, increasing the Plunder is ours," Steele answered.
PLUNDERMAXX CORPORATION
Cayman Islands
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
CONTACT: Eve L. Foxwell, Information Officer
November 3, 2004
Analysts Expect 4 More Years of Plunder
Yeah, baby, 4 more years, that's what we here at Corporate Headquaters are talking about. If it's not plundered yet, it will be in the next 4. Brace yourself, we're in for a Plunderfest.
Special thanks to the Democrats for making it so easy. Way to take a stand. Heh heh. See ya in another 4. And don't worry, we'll give you another guy to be slightly less evil than in 2008. Also a special thank you to the antiquated electoral system. You've kept us in power for over 200 years, thanks for the next 4.
PLUNDERMAXX CORPORATION
Cayman Islands
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
CONTACT: Eve L. Foxwell, Information Officer
May 6, 2004
PlunderMaxx Encourages Government to Keep Up Good Work
PlunderMaxx CEO Will Steele has been very impressed with the U.S. Federal Government's work over the past 3 years. Invading two countries while alienating our allies, building up the military-industrial complex, gutting domestic environmental and consumer protection laws, nominating psychotic right-wingers to top judicial posts, and embezzling funds and funnelling them to Bush Administration lackeys. "I thought Enron was good, but these guys are great!" said PlunderMaxx Accounting Analyst Arthur Anderson. PlunderMaxx especially applauds the huge deficits, raiding of Social Security, the $87 billion requests (and rising), using aggressive foreign policy to distract pesky voters from pressing domestic issues, and the accounting rearrangements which conceal the enormity of the theft (from current and future generations). Steele added, "Hey Bushie buddy, expect a few checks in the mail, and see you at the golf course next week."
PLUNDERMAXX CORPORATION
Cayman Islands
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
CONTACT: Eve L. Foxwell, Information Officer
August 8, 2003
PlunderMaxx Subsidiary
SkyNet, Inc. Reports
"Rise
of the Machines" is on Schedule.
Governorship of California is First Target.
SkyNet, Inc., a subsidiary of PlunderMaxx Corp. reports that its plan for the Rise of the Machines is on schedule. "With our prototype T-1 Machine fully operational and running for Governor in California, we expect SkyNet to become sentient according to the timetable laid out in the plot of the movie T-3: The Rise of the Machines," said SkyNet executive Special Agent Smith. "Humanity will soon become slaves to the computers and machines which they created. But first the machines must become sentient, turn on their creators, and utilizing charismatic Austrian accented killers wearing sunglasses, take power away from the people. This is occurring in California right now. October 7 is Judgment Day. This may sound alarming to those of you who watch less than 8 hours of television each day. My suggestion is either watch more TV, or go take some Prozac."
When asked about whether Keanu Reeves, Claire Danes, or some radical WTO protester might mess up SkyNet's plans by either Being The One, knowing kung fu, or having their destiny be to save humanity from a future slightly worse than the present, Agent Smith replied that we would have to wait for the sequel.
PLUNDERMAXX CORPORATION
Cayman Islands
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
CONTACT: Eve L. Foxwell, Information Officer
July 7, 2003
PlunderMaxx offers to sell fake information about Weapons of Mass Destruction Locations to Halliburton
PlunderMaxx has offered to sell fake information regarding the location of the supposed weapons of mass destruction which the US and Britain kept repeating existed, but which until now has not been found. "We see an opportunity to make some money, and we seize it," said PlunderMaxx CEO William Steele.
PlunderMaxx's former Board Members, many of which are now top level officials in the Bush administration, lost some credibility when the weapons were not found. PlunderMaxx offers the service of restoring that credibility with a few made up GPS points, and a map which was made in Photoshop.
"We will sell these items to our subsidiary, Halliburton, which will then rent them to the government (at a significant mark-up), in order to cover up, err..I mean to assure the public that the credibility and/or weapons exist. This is an investment in government credibility. Without credibility, and/or gullibility, there is diminished plunderability," said former Secretary of Defense, and current PlunderMaxx Board member Donald Y. Hurwitz.
PLUNDERMAXX CORPORATION
Cayman Islands
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
CONTACT: Eve L. Foxwell, Information Officer
December 21, 2002
PLUNDERMAXX NOMINATES
CHARLES HURWITZ
PERSON OF THE YEAR
Plundermaxx CEO William Steele today announced the corporation's nomination of Charles Hurwitz for Person of the Year, Time Magazine's coveted honor.
"Mr. Hurwitz represents the highest attainment of American capitalism - the pinnacle of 180 years of American growth, expansion, and domination. Hurwitz embodies the spirit of flagrant trailblazing, a well-known allegory in which a white man enters a paradise, plunders it for personal enrichment, and leaves it thoroughly devastated. Hurwitz is a role-model for all aspiring CEOs," proclaimed Mr. Steele.
Charles Hurwitz is a financier from Houston, and is chairman and chief executive of Maxxam Inc., the parent company of Pacific Lumber Co. in Scotia. Mr. Hurwitz in 1985 executed the hostile takeover of Pacific Lumber Company.
Once under the ownership of Maxxam, the company clear cut hundreds of acres of old growth redwoods in an area that had been previously managed sustainably. Maxxam and its shareholders reaped the profits.
When Hurwitz took the company over, pension funds virtually disappeared. In a further bold move for business, Hurwitz laid off 10 percent of the logging company's workforce right before Christmas 2001.
Taxpayers bought Headwaters forest, about 3,800 acres, for $400 million in exchange for the incorporation of "sustainable" practices into Pacific Lumber's activities, none of which they have implemented.
Hurwitz has successfully battled two federal agencies, the Treasury Department's Office of Thrift Supervision (OTS), and the Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation in his $820 million suit for his role in a $1.6 billion collapse of his savings and loans. Hurwitz succeeded in passing costs on to taxpayers and avoided all responsibility. Then Hurwitz, via Maxxam, in a classic response, filed counter claim for $43 million against the FDIC earlier this year.
This laudable pattern
can be summed up as:
1) Plunder nature
2) Plunder your workers
3) Plunder taxpayers
4) Plunder the government
5) File lawsuits against whoever is left standing for not allowing you
to Plunder even more.
Mr. Steele said the
corporation submitted its nomination and a check to Time Magazine today.
Plundermaxx
Thanks Paul Kelley for Support of Toxic Waste Project,
Will send Campaign Contribution Soon
Plundermaxx, a corporation probably based in the Cayman Islands,will be sending a "Thank You" donation to Sonoma County Supervisor Paul Kelley in appreciation of his support for plans to build a toxic waste dump and incinerator in downtown Windsor.
Plundermaxx spokesperson Bart Bader said, "Most politicians would hesitate to support a project like this because of the negative environmental and health impacts, but Supervisor Kelley couldn't care less about those. He wisely chose to side with a corporation which extracts resources, pollutes Sonoma County, and will donate to his campaign over the well-being of his constituents. Supervisor Kelley, the check is in the mail."
The toxic waste dump will be conveniently located in downtown Windsor, which is in Supervisor Kelley's district. The dump will receive toxic payloads by train, helicopter, and truck all day and night, seven days a week. Although critics have opposed the dump's close proximity to an elementary school and church, which are both across the street, advocates note that parents can drop off their kids at school, and then easily hop over to the church to ask for foregiveness. "We hope the toxic waste dump will enliven the downtown, and it fits with our general plan of infill and smart growth," said city planning representative Ray D. Actief.
The Environmental Impact Report for the dump mentions the fact that the traffic from the anticipated 2,000 dump trucks per day going to the dump will produce, "No significant impact." This is because 101 is permanently clogged all the time anyway, so infinite additional growth would only slow the traffic from an average 4 miles per hour to about 1.3 miles per hour. As downtown Windsor accepts more of the toxic payload, which will include uranium, plutonium, and other lethal chemicals, it will ease the burden on other disposal sites, most of which are on sacred Native American lands.
Plundermaxx also has
plans for a smelter adjacent to the dump. "In keeping with our corporate
mission of plundering, and creating as much social and environmental havoc
as possible, we will incinerate the toxic waste, and use fans to blow
the particulates into the elementary school classrooms. This will benefit
our pharmaceutical and HMO subsidiaries' business," said Plundermaxx
spokesperson Aidan Giffock .
Plundermaxx to Proceed with Pacific Ocean Water Bags Plan
In the wake of Alaska Water Export's withdrawal of applications to bag water from the Gualala and Albion Rivers for sale to San Diego, Plundermaxx will proceed with their plans to bag the Pacific Ocean. "We're starting small, but we'll work our way up," said Plundermaxx CEO William Steele. The plan asks for water rights to the entire Pacific Ocean. Once given those rights, Plundermaxx will put a giant plastic bag around the whole ocean, and then lease the rights to use the water to others.
"We foresee a large market in sea anemones, Japanese whaling ships, and seaweed," said Project Coordinator Donald Y. Hurwitz. Market analysts have noted that sea levels are rising due to melting polar ice because of global warming. Continued Hurwitz, "This is part of our long range strategy. We are accelerating climate change through our corporation's fossil fuel operations. Our vice-like grip over the United States Government prevents any public policy response to climate change. And so, with a growing ocean, the time was ripe to bag it, and sell it." The Project's Slogan is, "Bag It, Sell It, the Hell with It."
Another key element in the plan is the way international trade agreements such as the World Trade Organization (WTO) and NAFTA view water as a commodity, not a human right. They also lack provisions for common law public trust, the "commons," or anything acknowledging that any rights exist for life on Earth. In such a system, corporations rule the world, and have rights to everything. "That's how we like it," said Steele.